Does anyone else find the years are blending together? That you don't really remember what happened when? I think it's because when you get out of school there aren't the same markers anymore. Instead of, "I did that as a junior," now it's "That's the year I was laid off." The major events now define a year. So for instance, for me:

2009: The year I was finally settled after jumping around like a grasshopper.
2010: The year I started TSE. In October I sprained my ankle and in November/December I was laid off.
2011: The year I flew to NH to see Elizabeth Gilbert, was hired by a radiology website, Rosie graduated, Isaac got married, I split with my biz partner and created my own company.
2012: The year I moved out of my apartment, traveled to Austria and Italy, published my book, and moved again. Plus who knows what else.

What's funny is all the little things are still fuzzy. Like, when did I go to an Earth Day celebration in Berkeley? I suppose it doesn't really matter because all that's important is the event, not when it took place. Still, I like to be organized (even in my mind) and be able to place when they happened. It gives me a sense of comfort. It's also unnerving how little a year means. A year feels like no time at all versus when I was younger a year was FOREVER. As I said to a friend last night I think it's because when you're 5, one year is a fifth of your life. When you're 27, it's 1/27th. That's a big difference.

Since the Monday after I came back from vacation (March 19) I've been depressed. It's been for many reasons, but I think a big one is I tried to convince myself something was the right decision when it wasn't.

I looked at an apartment in Bernal Heights (the lesbian neighborhood for those of you who don't live in SF) that was two bedrooms for $1,200. For those of you who don't know, that's considered a steal here. I looked at it and said yes even though it didn't make my heart sing. It wasn't a clear yes but I was swayed by the price, the space, and the location. Afterward I called my mom and said, "I'm not sure. I think I was too impulsive. It doesn't feel quite right."

As the weeks have progressed it's become clear why it didn't feel quite right. Why I had reservations. First, there is no heat, which is illegal, and then the biggie is the landlord wanted cash for the rent every month. He tried to paint it as because he didn't know if he could trust me as a tenant, but in truth he didn't want to report the income. That request combined with the lack of heat led me to believe the in-law unit was illegal, which is not uncommon.

Even after I told him I wasn't comfortable carrying around that much cash and suggested an alternative (did you know you can endorse a check and bring it to the bank and have them cash it? You don't actually have to deposit it) he declined. After agonizing over it this week with an impending deadline of today (I was supposed to sign the lease today) I felt more and more upset. I cried multiple times yesterday and kept questioning what I should do.

I realized if I had to question it that much it probably wasn't the right decision. The final nail in the coffin was when I spoke to a friend last night and she said, "You're so full of integrity and that place is not so of course you don't jive with it." Bam. She was right. Other people are welcome to mess around with shady dealings but I am very above board and my energy doesn't resonate with something that's not. It just doesn't. It makes me uncomfortable. So I decided no, I will not take the apartment in Bernal Heights. As scared as I am that I won't find anything better, I'm trusting my higher power to bring something better to me, and wouldn't you know it? Today I feel at peace. I feel like myself again. I hadn't realized it, but by saying yes to the apartment I must have been sacrificing a bit of myself because today I feel really good. I feel whole and complete and know that everything will be ok.

Lastly, I think it's telling I didn't announce the apartment was mine, if I wanted it, to my friends. I didn't even tell my housemates. A part of me must have known all along it wouldn't work out. And truthfully, I have plenty of time. I can stay in my current place until May 1st if I want to. So I think instead I'll keep looking for what I really want, for something that really fits me, because otherwise I won't enjoy it.

It's cold and rainy and I only have 20 minutes left of work anyway so I'd much rather do a trip recap. This is more for me than for anyone so I'll do an LJ cut. This will also probably turn into a blogpost but I wanted to chronicle it here first.


( The whole thing! )

A part of me wants to post this on facebook but I also think that's a bit too public. This won't mean much to many of you but I completed my 12th step in my 12 step program today! And of course it's in February, my anniversary month! 

I am having such a sweet week. Don't get me wrong, it's tres busy, but it's also been so tender. 

As you know, Tuesday was my four-year anniversary of moving to San Francisco. I had the best day. I found this glitter heart in my shoe:

Don't ask me how it got there because I don't know. It wasn't there the day before, just on Valentine's Day. And then as I walked to Cafe Gratitude to treat myself to lunch I found a chocolate heart on the sidewalk. 

At the restaurant I was fully prepared to eat by myself but instead I ended up striking up a conversation with the couple across from me. We talked all through lunch. I felt inundated with love from the universe. It was the best day because instead of focusing on not having a honey in my life, I was able to celebrate me, my accomplishments, and the anniversary of the best decision I ever made. 

This week has also been EXTREMELY social, which is so unusual for me. I won't bore you with the details but there have been back to back plans. And all these people are interested in me and my business even though the website isn't ready yet! I'm already talking it up and networking, which is perhaps ok because it probably takes a while for things to get rolling anyway.

Lastly, I'm on the 12th step in my 12-step program, which is coinciding with the anniversary of when I first joined. I love the poetic cycle of my life. What's so interesting, and making my heart feel so tender is I'm writing things I really believe. Like how everything will be ok, and there is ultimately some entity watching out for me. And I truly believe I no longer have to be perfect because it's my mistakes and vulnerabilities that make me relatable (which apparently isn't a word but should be). I'm no longer scared to fail at things because I know it's inevitable and it can be fun. There are so many things I've learned while being in this program and working on my 12th step is illustrating all that. I know I'm being vague, but it's hard to describe all the change I've experienced.

What I'm seeing is the end of something old and the beginning of something new. So many things seem to be ending. I'm no longer eating compulsively, obsessing over a certain boy (or any boy for that matter), or living alone even. I'm wrapping up my 12th step, publishing my book, and starting a new business. Not to mention going to Europe in less than two weeks (holy crap!). All these old ways of being are ended so I can't help but wonder, what's next?   

I don't think I've been this sick in more than a year. Oy vey. Good thing I'm housesitting in a big and spacious home with a cat and dishwasher and big TV. . .

So you may or may not know but since August I haven't been sleeping well. It's been one damn thing after another -- loud bass music, construction, more construction, new air ventilation system two doors down, scaffolding. I've been confused as to what the universe was trying to tell me because even when I traveled to Puerto Rico and North Carolina I attracted the same noises to me. Was the problem me or not me?

I spoke with an angel therapist on Wednesday (in essence someone who converses with angels on your behalf and pulls oracle cards for you) and she said yes, the angels are indeed trying to get me to move -- but not until summer. That makes a whole lot of sense because the next two months are CRAZY busy with all the travel I have going on. And also, you know, I'm feeling like I want to move as well. My apartment is not the fantastic, amazing oasis it has been for me for the past three years and that's fine. It means it's time to move onto something else. And since 11-11-11 is a day when all your thoughts are supposed to manifest rapidly, here is what I want in my new place:

- I want to BUY a two-bedroom condo in SF that's still near public transportation but in a nice neighborhood where I feel safe
- to feel safe, secure, and protected
- lots of natural light
- bedrooms where I can close the doors to create privacy for myself and my guests
- to overlook greenery, specifically trees and also have a great view of the city or the bay or something
- to have some space between me and the neighboring building view-wise
- to live on the 4th floor or higher
- quiet neighbors
- a well-constructed apartment so I don't hear my neighbors or any street noise
- a bigger kitchen
- a dishwasher (other than my hands righty and lefty)
- minimal EMF waves (i.e. electrical pulses)
- QUIET (did I say that already? I'm saying it again.)
- friendly neighbors
- access to a rooftop garden or deck
- spaciousness
- big closets with lots of storage
- high ceilings
- lots of electrical outlets
- quiet appliances (are you noticing a theme here?)
- a sense of openness
- a great neighborhood

It's quite a list and I'll probably add to it but there you go! My new big ole desire, which I'm going to get, gosh darnit. I want all of that or something better universe. Ya hear? Thanks for bringing me great apartments that I love living in. I know the trend will continue and that I'll LOOOOOVE my new place just as much, if not more, than my current spot.